unsent letter to Takumi, part one of a million
Don’t make arguments about how happiness is all in perception, all in how you look at things, because you aren’t happy and it’s obvious. Perception isn’t enough, when everything is baring down on you. Maybe you’re projecting, but that doesn’t matter. I don’t expect you to be happy, but don’t expect me to be happy.
When you start thinking that someone “should” be happy because you’ve “given them everything”… it sounds arrogant, and thoughtless. It’s a lack of understanding that you claim doesn’t matter. Of course it matters. If you don’t know me, how could you possibly know what would make me happy? No, you haven’t any idea.
Things don’t make me happy – I know this, and I’ve always known it, but they fill the space for a little while. I’ve moved beyond that, but you don’t even see the change, you didn’t even see me scrambling to make up for my lack of self. That’s not something you’ve ever seen, or understood. I know my demons better than you do, but you pretend to. You think you know everything. You think I’m just not seeing it correctly.
I’m sorry, do you really think me, in my obsessive introspection, managed to miss what I’m really like, what I’ve always been like since I was little, since I was aware? These journals… I can’t say they don’t have lies, but they aren’t all lies. Lying became a way of life with you, the way it was with my family.
I think it’s hilarious how you act so insulted when I compare you to family now – maybe at least you finally understand that? But you also act like it’s irrelevant. It’s NOT irrelevant at all, and in fact it makes more sense than half of what you say.
I know the truth about myself. I’m struggling to deal with it, and maybe change it.
You don’t know the truth. (Not that I haven’t tried to explain, but you won’t hear it.)
You think I’m not aware of what I’ve done?! Of course I’m aware… just because I don’t spend every day grovelling at your feet doesn’t mean I don’t know. But by this time, I’ve hurt so many people that I actually cared about that, hurting you, who as an individual human I don’t see as more than a friend, if even that, is not much more to me than a drop in the bucket. It used to hurt so much more when I was destroying the lives of people around me, unintentionally. It still hurts in some ways, but I think this time I hurt because I can’t get what I want. There’s a part of me that’s not a good person.
You can’t make me feel sorry for this when there are much bigger issues for me emotionally. The way you act isn’t going to garner sympathy, nor is your poor emotional state going to cause me to allow your actions. Act like a jerk, and I will treat you like one. I don’t have to allow it, I don’t have to like it, and I won’t forgive you for it. Acting this way means you can’t possibly actually consider this relationship lasting, because no one in their right mind would force themselves on a girl they really loved… repeatedly. So, I’m forced to conclude that you don’t actually love me, or care about me, you just can’t let go because you don’t want to be alone.
Yeah, that’s healthy.
